Are you afraid of conflict in your relationship?

In relationships, conflict causes a lot of harm and drains your energy. But there is one thing still more harmful - avoiding all arguments, disagreements or unpleasantness because of fear of conflict.

Many people have difficulty expressing their true feelings or desires in tense situations. They are afraid to even take a stance in a tense situation. They freeze up or run away at the slightest indication of a conflict. Or they just distract themselves with TV, social media, work or just avoid the situation. This fear of conflict could be a fear of rupture. Or it could be fear of making things worse. Or fear of loud voices. Or fear it may go out of their capacity to handle. Or something a lot more deep rooted. So they avoid all unpleasant situations at any cost. This is not healthy for good relationships. It is really important to identify and address the exact fear behind this behaviour.

Fear of conflict doesn't help relationships. It often makes relationships worse. Fear of conflict is more prevalent than conflict itself. You look at some relationships from a distance and think they are living in perfect harmony. It may seem as if there are no disagreements in the relationship. But there sure will be a deep unhappiness hidden underneath.

There are very good reasons to overcome this fear. Let us say you are afraid to express yourself in conflict. If you do not express your true feelings and thoughts, your relationship is not based on who you really are. It is based on a facade. You think you saved yourself and your relationship by avoiding all conflict or disagreement. But then, it’s not a real relationship. It is a relationship between two false images you are projecting outside. It is impossible to build real intimacy when you do not express who you are. You feel emptiness in the relationship. It will lead to feelings of deep disappointment with the relationship, for both the parties.

This need to avoid conflict could also mean, your relationship itself is based on a lot of insecurity. The relationship doesn’t have a secure base. You do not feel safe enough to open up and express yourself. This will become a source for unhappiness because you feel like you are stifling yourself. If this is a chronic pattern in all your relationships, you feel anger towards yourself for letting yourself down. Externally, it looks like you don’t have any conflict or unpleasantness in the relationship. But you will be wondering why you are not really happy living with the person you love. You are unhappy because you cannot be yourself.

In many instances, being authentic and expressing your unhappiness in a conflict situation may help to clear the air, rather than holding onto resentment and blame. It will improve your connection as it is based on your true feelings, not on a false facade. It works well as long as both the parties are inherently committed to the relationship in the long-term. And as long as they have a deeper basis for connection.

You may be afraid conflict may end the love and connection between the two of you. But the fact is, having a disagreement or conflict does not always mean you do not love the other person or they don’t have love for you. You can disagree with the other person on some aspects, have different opinions and still love the other person or live in harmony.